she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
