Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
