Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
the raccoons are back...
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