I faked an abortion last night.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
