ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Randomize
