i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
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