god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
