I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
