I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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