New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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