I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
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