I cannot find my penis.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
You made out with two different species that night
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
