Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Randomize
