I'm drive I can fine osifer
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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