i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
