I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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