Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize