I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You pole danced in your parka.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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