There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
