Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
The uberlube is also flammable
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
