I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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