i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
