i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
this boner is exhausting
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Just pee around me
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
