I need help removing her.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
