Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Randomize
