Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
That accounts for only three of the penises
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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