You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
