I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
