Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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