Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
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