thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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