I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
