BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
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