What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
