It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
