They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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