i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
my shit smells like andre
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
