don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
