Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
