College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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