why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
