I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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