dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
