I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
