Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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