I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Sorry my hands just texted you
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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