My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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