I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize