I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize