I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
