we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
