Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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