i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
