I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
