How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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