So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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