my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You smell like a Billy Joel song
People with herpes should wear stickers.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
