These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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