New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
