Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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