lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
