I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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