Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
