should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
