I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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