did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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