i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
